I’m approximately halfway through my 5th pregnancy and hope that it will be my 3rd healthy live birth. Having suffered two losses before, I’m quite familiar with pregnancy after loss and the many complicated emotions that accompany it.
I’ve become more entrenched in the pregnancy loss community since losing my 3rd son in the second trimester following a poor prenatal diagnosis a year ago. This community has shown me that I’m far from alone despite the often secretive nature of pregnancy loss. If you want to hear more about my losses and medical complications feel free to read one of my three articles:
Glimmers of Joy Amid Grief, Loss and Loneliness
My Emergency C-section Recovery
Trauma Recovery and Mental Health Support for Mothers
…or watch a more detailed video version of this post:
My desire in sharing the many aspects of pregnancy after loss (below) is twofold: 1) Help women during pregnancy after loss to see that they aren’t alone in their feelings and experience, and 2) Educate people who have never walked this path or who are trying to understand what a friend or loved one might be going through in the face of loss or pregnancy following loss.
WARNING: The following content is triggering. If you find yourself in a vulnerable place and aren’t sure if you’re ready to dive into tough emotions and realities then please save this article or the video on Instagram to watch later. That said, if you need a good cry, to feel less alone, or to better understand this difficult road then please read on…
Pregnancy After Loss Is…
Pregnancy after loss is…feeling fear and joy at the same time
Pregnancy after loss is…numbing yourself to all emotions because they feel too big
Pregnancy after loss is…having a hard time letting yourself relax and be happy
Pregnancy after loss is…holding your breath every time you use the bathroom because you’re worried you will see blood in the toilet or when you wipe
Pregnancy after loss is…feeling like you will finally be at peace when you reach a certain milestone or scan only to find that the relief from good news is fleeting, and the fear rears its ugly head once again before you’ve even left the parking lot
Pregnancy after loss is…thinking about the baby you lost just as much if not more than the baby in your womb
Pregnancy after loss is…wondering if you’ll start telling people you are expecting only to have to tell them you’re not
Pregnancy after loss is…wondering if this time you will get to hold your child and plan for their future
Pregnancy after loss is…knowing all too well that a positive pregnancy test doesn’t guarantee a baby
Pregnancy after loss is…grieving the child you lost every step of the way
Pregnancy after loss is…feeling alone
Pregnancy after loss is…holding onto misplaced guilt, shame and self-doubt
Pregnancy after loss is…seeing other women who are pregnant too and feeling a stab of jealousy because you think their experience must be easier than yours
Pregnancy after loss is…seeing women with multiple children or closely spaced pregnancies and feeling overwhelming grief
Pregnancy after loss is…wondering if you will ever have a child of your own
Pregnancy after loss is…wondering if this will be your last pregnancy and it will end poorly
Pregnancy after loss is…wondering if you have the strength to go through it all again
Pregnancy after loss is…having the most incredible courage because you’re willingly going through something that feels terrifying and putting yourself back into a narrative familiar with trauma and loss
Pregnancy after loss is…knowing way more about what can go wrong than you ever wanted to
Pregnancy after loss is…being scared of a poor prenatal diagnosis
Pregnancy after loss is…feeling that others don’t understand you
Pregnancy after loss is…worrying that your next ultrasound will show that the baby’s heart has stopped beating or that they aren’t growing as expected
Pregnancy after loss is…fearing that you will be faced with an unthinkable choice to end your pregnancy in order to save your baby from suffering
Pregnancy after loss is…feeling judged for things that are out of your control
Pregnancy after loss is…connecting with women who have walked the same path and share their stories in secret, out of sight from a world that simply doesn’t understand
Pregnancy after loss is…former milestones, due dates and anniversaries that bring some measure of sadness and reflection both during the pregnancy and for years to come
Pregnancy after loss is…filled with hypervigilance, constantly scanning for what might go wrong
Pregnancy after loss is…nervously counting kicks and fearing stillbirth
Pregnancy after loss is…being told “at least you know the baby wasn’t going to be healthy”
Pregnancy after loss is…being told “at least you already have children”
Pregnancy after loss is…being told “at least it happened early in the pregnancy”
Pregnancy after loss is…being told “everything happens for a reason”
Pregnancy after loss is…being told “God just wanted another angel in heaven”
Pregnancy after loss is…being told “time will heal all pain”
Pregnancy after loss is…understanding the grim but powerful reality that women’s bodies are capable of delivering both life and death
Pregnancy after loss is…wanting to celebrate with loved ones while feeling guilty for times when it was hard being happy for friends who were expecting during or after your loss
Pregnancy after loss is…experiencing emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion
Pregnancy after loss is…reliving flashbacks of traumatic moments from your loss
Pregnancy after loss is…wondering if you will get to the second trimester or even over halfway through your pregnancy only to experience loss, decisions on how to deliver your baby, and an empty womb that looks as though it should still be carrying life inside it
Pregnancy after loss is…realizing how little people understand how to care for others in grief
Pregnancy after loss is…worrying about a crash-landing during labor and delivery or a C-section
Pregnancy after loss is…feeling guilty when you stop thinking about the baby you lost
Pregnancy after loss is…feeling like you don’t deserve to feel the happiness that’s building for the child you’re expecting
Pregnancy after loss is…full of hope and love unlike you’ve ever experienced
Pregnancy after loss is…different for every woman
You’re not alone. Resources and people exist who can support you with your wellness during this pregnancy. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me directly to ask questions, get referrals, or share your story in private. Sending you big hugs and compassion.
Yours in health and wellness,
Maggie
