Tag Archives: women’s empowerment

All the Times I Felt Unworthy: My Journey to the Heart of Women’s Wellness

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How many times have I felt unworthy?

Let me count the ways…

 

 

Body Image Starts in Childhood

Once when I was very young, another little girl compared the size of her thighs to mine. I never thought about how my dense, muscular legs were larger than most girls but suddenly it was plain as day.

That one brief interaction stripped me of my body image innocence. I’m not sure if it started then or later, but I spent my childhood and teenage years feeling self-conscious in shorts and skirts, and preferred to sit with a pillow or sweater on my lap at social events during warm weather.

The Harmful Normalization of Narrow Beauty Standards

Shortly after I hit puberty, I found myself sitting on the opposite side of a desk from a middle-aged, male orthodontist. He tried to convince me that I should get braces because my teeth were slightly off-center from the midline of my face.

I can still remember how he tried to pierce my presumed ego and insecurities at the same time, telling me that I had a pretty face and who knows – maybe I would want to be a model some day with that face?

“If you want to be a model one day you’re going to need to have a straight smile because modeling is all about symmetry. You don’t see models with crooked teeth,” he warned despite the fact that I never once shared any appearance concerns or career aspirations with him.

I’ve never once wanted to be a model.

(Remember the thick legs? I already knew it was out of the question anyway.)

I’m proud of my younger self for her righteous anger and standing firm in the convinction that she was fine without braces. But, if I’m being honest, I remember not wanting them because I was scared that wearing braces would make me “less pretty.”

 

The Damage Inflicted by People in Authority in Places of Trust

I was “acting out” because I refused to sit silently through Sunday school lessons taught by a man who was discussing sexual topics from the Bible in a way that was making the girls in the class visibly uncomfortable, seemingly to his amusement. I could tell he was being inappropriate even if he wasn’t outwardly trying to assault someone.

Church leaders who weren’t there to observe his perverted instruction assumed that I was the one with an issue since I was speaking up about it, as though my experience must count worth less because of being young and female.

Trauma Takes Its Toll

I was hit by a car when I was in my early twenties. I experienced chronic back pain and instability for years and my PTSD, insomnia, and physical job were contributing to inflammation. Physically healing from the accident was grueling and long, but the recovery that was just as significant was that of my self worth.

My identity and feelings of worth were the biggest casualties from the accident. Both hung on by a thread as my exercise options became limited and I overate in response to stress. I never imagined that gaining ~15 pounds could make me feel so devastated about life at large. I went into a career in fitness to help people improve health and feel good in their bodies only to realize how much of my own self-esteem’s foundation lay squarely in my apperance. 

 

Broken Medical Systems & The Loneliness Epidemic

The accident in my early twenties would have plummeted me into medical bankruptcy were it not for my parents coming to my aid. I couldn’t afford my own healthcare and didn’t have any paid time off from work as a commission-based fitness professional, so I had to take unpaid leave to recover.

I’ve never felt more lonely, undersupported, and fearful in my entire life. As it turns out, there are many things that can contribute to feeling unworthy including loneliness and limited resources for support.

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don’t

After I gave birth to my first child, I decided to let go of a business dream and stay at home to breastfeed and raise my son. I planned to keep pursuing part-time “alternative” career options, but the lack of a traditional career and formal title did something shocking to me.

I was overwhelmed and humbled by how quickly I fell from relevance in conversations at social gatherings and even in discussions at holidays with family. I became less visible. I took up less space. I became secondary in value to the breadwinners and people advancing along the corporate ladder.

I realized the sobering truth that women lose value in “a man’s world” when they don’t have a traditional career. At the same time, women working full-time jobs are judged for tasks they can’t complete at home due to career pressures.

Women are expected to do it all and do it perfectly to gain applause for a job well done in our culture. This is toxic to women across all career and family choices and paths. It places a woman’s worth beyond her abilities and beyond where it truly resides (within herself).

 

Fertility Struggles and Stigma

I experienced one pregnancy loss prior to the pandemic and knew that it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility to happen again, but I never thought that it actually would. I also didn’t imagine that any loss I might endure would be a late loss following a poor prenatal diagnosis amid a novel pandemic.

When I woke up following a routine pregnancy loss removal for second trimester losses, I was told that I had experienced an unexpected emergency that resulted in a life-saving surgery. To this day, I have a four-inch vertical scar down my abdomen that I can’t stand the sight of. And yet…I’ve come to accept it. To be honest, I will never be okay with my scar cosmetically, but I wholeheartedly embrace everything it taught me.

I experienced so much shame, grief and despair following that loss that I felt like I had suddenly lost the whole of myself. My lingering feelings of overwhelm about the complicated pregnancy were amplified when I looked out into the mainstream and witnessed hostile political debates, harmful language from people in my faith, and damaging black and white judgements cast on women sitting in challenging medical situations and life changing circumstances.

One thing that continues to jump out at me is that women are the sole targets in all of the harmful finger pointing about reproductive rights, abortions, miscarriges, infertility, and more. We are the ones who shoulder the weight of these trials and the shame, blame, and judgement of society. Women are the ones whose value lessens in the eyes of society when fertility circumstances don’t go as hoped and planned.

Reclaiming Worth

I’m a woman of privilege and fortunate circumstances, but I still feel the constant battle within myself against cultural narratives that feed us lies about what makes women valuable, desirable, good, productive, and worthy. I’m guessing that women in less fortunate circumstances and with other kinds of trauma struggle with feeling worthy too. I’m guessing that feeling unworthy is a battle for the many women who have been physically abused, raped, manipulated, harrassed, paid less than they deserve, told they are inferior to their husbands, judged for their body size, and more.

As a wellness professional for many years, I have noticed firsthand how hundreds of women struggle with deep, unnamed insecurities regardless of outward success, health, or appearances. I’ve had the privilege of working with our nation’s leaders and some of the most successful professionals in Washington, DC, but no amount of money or prestige takes away from the damage of feeling undersupported and judged as a woman.

According to data, nearly half of all women worldwide struggle with self doubt. When I sit with this truth, I realize that there are both simple and complex solutions to address this.

The first, simple step begins with reinforcing that “Every Woman is Worthy” so that women are empowered to name and claim their inherent worth. The next, more complicated steps are in how we approach and support women on an individual basis, person to person. When we take care of individual women’s complex and myriad needs in real and compassionate ways then we pave the way for collective healing and send the cultural message that women are worthy and deserving of both bottom-up and top-down justice.

 

 

My Solution to Help Women Know Their Worth

I’m very excited to announce that I have launched a new business called Every Woman is Worthy™ to address the individual and collective harm done to women’s wellness by the cultural narrative that a woman’s worth is something to be proven or achieved. The idea started as a new slogan for my longstanding blog, WellnessWinz, and evolved over the course of a year and a half into a brand all its own…

Every Woman is Worthy™

Every Woman is Worthy™ is a brand on a mission to elevate women through inspired products and intentional actions.

Every Woman is Worthy™ offers inspirational products featured in wearable and giftable collections to spread its empowering and healing message. Our products are made on demand with responsible manufacturing partners to reduce waste, offset shipping CO2 emissions, utilize fabric scraps, use recycled materials for mail polymers, and more.

Every Woman is Worthy™ emphasizes people over profits and would not be complete without our mission; Intentional Actions.

In a world that seldom offers real-time, hands-on support for women, we’re here to motivate people to show up with compassion and assistance. This doesn’t have to cost anything but an open heart and a little bit of time. Think of us as your accountability buddy to address a real and pressing need that you see in a woman’s life (or even your own).

There are many more details about our products and mission directly on the site: https://everywomanisworthy.com/ and you can follow along here or on instagram: @everywomanisworthy

The conversation is just beginning with #everywomanisworthy. Women from all around the globe are resonating with this message already. It’s SO exciting to imagine a future where women know their worth and are better supported!

Yours in health and wellness,

Maggie

“Women Can Have It All” [the myth that hurts our wellness the most]

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I was reading a news article recently and was caught off guard by how angry it made me. I get worried, stressed, fearful, and frustrated but seldom truly angry. Now, before going on, I *don’t* want to get political here. That’s never been what WellnessWinz is for or about. So please discard that idea as you read on. It’s not my agenda.

The article that made me angry was about a triggering topic that just doesn’t seem to stop making headlines lately: Abortion rights. I’ve heard allllll the arguments from both sides and from activists that are secular and faith-based. Trust me when I say I know a lot more about this topic than the average woman due to a medically complicated pregnancy just over a year ago that left me torn as to what I ought to do to protect my unborn child from suffering. It opened my eyes to the torment that so many women endure when considering ending a wanted pregnancy and the underrecognized struggles of many women considering ending unplanned pregnancies, not to mention the plight of women at large.

(If you want to read more about my experiences feel free to check out one of several articles I’ve written about pregnancy loss, grief, healing and being pregnant again after trauma: Glimmers of Joy Amid Grief, My Emergency C-section Recovery, Mental Health Support for Mothers, Pregnancy After Loss Is…)

 

 

So, what made me angry in the article that I read?

Answer: The idea that abortion, chosen or not, legal or illegal, is about empowerment.

 

The arguments go something like this:

Pro-choice: Women’s bodily autonomy = empowerment to choose timing of children, career, education, etc. (this is a long-standing stance).

&

Pro-life: “Women can have it all these days” (the exact words from the article) = empowerment to both raise children and hold down a job.

 

In my honest opinion, politics aside, empowerment has nothing to do with the difficult decision to end a pregnancy, wanted or unwanted. Empowerment is the farthest thing from explaining why many women feel so disadvantaged and under supported that they don’t have the choice to keep their unborn child. Empowerment also doesn’t begin to scrape at the struggles that lie ahead for women who keep their babies against the odds. Empowerment? No.

Allow me to explain the weak points of both sides here:

Bodily autonomy is an important thing, even as people on both sides of the abortion debate have varying definitions of what that ought to mean; however, the idea that it’s empowering to be forced to choose between a child and career, single and/or young motherhood or higher education, putting food on the table for older children or adding a starving mouth to a hungry household is in no way, shape or form accurate, in my humble opinion. It’s incredibly damaging to women’s wellness. No matter the choice, a woman must make a sacrifice.

On the flip side, the notion that “women can have it all” is a long-standing myth that actually means “women must find a way to DO it all.” This is the way our society continues to place heavy burdens squarely on the shoulders of women while disadvantaging and under supporting them along the way. This harms our collective wellness as women too. Big time. It’s entirely out of touch with reality and how much women’s health suffers in nearly every way from an unequal society.

My mom has told me for years that she felt frustrated by pro-choice claims decades ago that abortion “allows women to have it all” (she recognized the oppressive nature of this myth long before I came to terms with it) and now, quite ironically, we’re beginning to hear the exact same argument used against abortion from pro-lifers. What gives?!?!

Let’s move on from abortion debate “highlights” and talk about the most pressing thing:

The reality that women are vastly underserved by our society and are paying a steep price for it, monetarily, personally, and with their health. As a women’s wellness advocate, I can’t turn away from this disheartening data even as I confess that I don’t have many answers for solutions. But perhaps continuing to shine a spotlight on these things is a start…

 

 

The Proof That Women Are Far From “Having It All”

A major gender pay gap exists in many developed nations, not to mention third world countries. In the U.S., women earn 83 cents to every man’s dollar, and this trend of earning less is true across nearly every occupation. In the U.K., women earn a whopping 40% less than men. Unequal pay most certainly means fewer options and opportunities for women despite their hard work.

Earning an advanced degree doesn’t help advance women very much in their earning potential, not to mention the student debt it accrues. On average, most women with advanced degrees (master’s, Ph.d., etc.) earn less than white men with only a bachelor’s degree do, and this pay gap is especially disproportionate for black and Latina women. Again, these disparities persist across nearly every occupation with some small exceptions. Check it out for yourself with this interactive tool that allows you to compare wages (and gives you fuel to ask for a raise).

Not only are women earning less money but they’re shouldering the caregiving load in both married and single parent households. In the U.S. alone, most single parent homes are overseen by moms (8.5 million) compared to dads (2.6 million). According to an article on Parents.com, single mothers feel firsthand all the weight they’re carrying for their careers, families and society’s expectations of them: “Single mothers confirm they’re facing these pressures and high expectations every day and are even shamed when their abilities don’t match up to the ideal.”

Indeed, women are expected to do SO much and with a smile on their worn out faces. Add these struggles to the high cost of childcare, inequitable healthcare coverage, and lack of paid maternity leave, and you have a society that is telling women they can have it all while denying them of all the support for fulfilling that dream.

One example of how women are intensely under supported is the steep decline in breastfeeding rates from infancy to one year of age (84% of women initiate breastfeeding their babies but only 57% still are at 6 months and 35% are at one year). Breastfeeding is arguably one of the most physically natural roles a mother has and yet in our society it’s nearly impossible for most women to stick with due to pressures to return to work, a lack of support for breastfeeding logistics, low help with childcare for older children, and only half of employers offering lactation support programs and on-site nursing/pumping rooms. Not only that, but depending on where you live geographically in the U.S. there are varying degrees of cultural support and importance placed on this healthy maternal-infant relationship: see here.

 

 

How else is our culture expecting too much and offering too little for women? Ohhh, let me count the ways…

I have seen within my own family the toll that caregiving can take. My mother was working full-time, raising three kids, helping support three aging relatives and her disabled younger brother, all while going through menopause. The weight of all these responsibilities is not unique to her. It’s a common, untold story of middle-aged women at large. Right when women’s self-care needs must be addressed to manage menopause in a healthy manner, life demands reach a crescendo and minimize a woman’s ability to focus on her own wellness.

Roughly 66% of caregivers for aging relatives are female, averaging 49 years old and working outside of the home while simultaneously providing 20 hours of unpaid elderly care per week. During this phase of life, the demands placed uniquely on women’s backs has the following repercussions:

    • “33% of working women decreased work hours
    • 29% passed up a job promotion, training or assignment
    • 22% took a leave of absence
    • 20% switched from full-time to part-time employment
    • 16% quit their jobs
    • 13% retired early
    • In total, the cost impact of caregiving on the individual female caregiver in terms of lost wages and Social Security benefits equals $324,044″…read more

This data only reflects the challenges of caregiving for elderly loved ones, let alone the percentage of women who quit work and/or struggle with demands to caretake for disabled or sick children. I think most of us can agree that these numbers do NOT match up to the mythical ideal of “women can have it all.” These struggles are seen generation after generation and unfortunately, the future for women looks somewhat bleak. According to the U.S. Department of Labor:

“The pandemic has set women’s labor force participation back more than 30 years.” 

 

By early 2021, women’s participation in the work force fell to less than 56%, matching rates as far back as 1987. Women of color and those working in low-wage occupations have been the most impacted.

I know, I know…this isn’t a feel good article. But it’s important that we get to the core of why the myth “women can have it all” just isn’t adding up to reality.

 

 

The Ripple Effects of Gender Inequality on the Average Woman’s Wellness

A Statement from the 2020 Global Gender Gap Report:

“In no country in the world is the amount of time spent by men on unpaid work (mainly domestic and volunteer work) equal to that of women; and in many countries, women still spend multiple-folds as much time than men on these activities. Even in countries where this ratio is lowest (i.e. Norway or the United States) women spend almost twice as much time as men on unpaid domestic work.”

This global gender gap contributes to higher mental health challenges for women versus men. The World Health Organization shows that women outpace men on rates of mental disorders such as depression, anxiety and somatic complaints, to name a few. Within the U.S. alone, one study demonstrates disheartening findings stating that “by many objective measures the lives of women in the United States have improved over the past 35 years, yet we show that measures of subjective well-being indicate that women’s happiness has declined both absolutely and relative to men.”

Women’s mental health suffers gravely because of how much we are tasked with. Mental health is further complicated by the following factors that contribute to social insecurity:

  • gender-based violence
  • socio-economic disadvantage
  • income inequality
  • low social status and rank
  • responsibility for the care of others

As long as so many women suffer from mental health challenges, the collective wellness of society suffers too. Our bodies suffer. Our families suffer. Our workplaces suffer. Our healthcare systems suffer. And so on.

 

 

Is There a Path Forward that is Better for Women’s Wellness?

I don’t have the answers for pay equity, changes in government policies and benefits,  and normalizing caregiving for men, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that ALL of this information compels me to scream from the rooftops that we are hurting women’s wellness with the myth that “women can have it all.” We’re far from that reality becoming manifest. So for now, this myth continues to be synonymous with “women must do it all,” and I can’t think of anything more suffocating, oppressive, sexist, and damaging to women’s collective wellness than that.

I hate to end on such a negative statement. That’s seldom my style. But I find myself realizing that passive complacency or putting a positive spin on these complicated circumstances is no longer acceptable as it allows that myth to gain in momentum and harm.

Women deserve better.

Perhaps it’s time we should accept that having it all (ahem, doing it all) is an impossible standard for a person of any gender? Just a thought.

Yours in health and wellness,

Maggie